The Short-timers

The Short Timers

"I can't take it! Make it stop! I wanna go home!"  Short Timers

*For more posts similar to this one, see The People in Japan

Some people just aren't meant to spend any meaningful time in Japan. They wander the schools and streets in a fog, counting the days until their flight back home. For lack of a better term, I just called them Short Timers.

These are the people who start getting ready to leave Japan by the time they make it up to the immigration counter.

They can be seen calling everything about Japan stupid, dumb, weird, f'd up, ridiculous, crazy.... or some other slag.

They look at anyone who has spent more than a year in Japan with a look of incredulity.

Short Timers are like ghosts in a sense. They exist in Japan, but they don't actually live there. You might not even notice when a Short Timer heads back overseas...the fastest I ever saw someone freak out and split the country was about 6 weeks.

Do you have a question about Japan or a topic that you are interested in that you haven't found on this blog? If so, please tell me about it in a comment. I will get a post up about it as soon as possible. Thanks for reading!!

The Pod People

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

"Don't fight it, it's no use.....Sooner or later, you'll have to go to sleep."  pod person

*For more posts similar to this one, see The People in Japan

This is without question my favorite group of foreigners in Japan. First of all, pod person is more likely to be a male human and most likely married to a Japanese. These people have "found" themselves in Japan and have officially gone native. They have retained, relatively, their Western form and appearance, but have been transformed into a state that is entirely foreign in its own right. From my experience I've concluded that once transformed, there is no returning from the state of Pod Person.

There is a long list of requirements to qualify as a pod person, but the first thing you need to know is how to not confuse the pod person with the lifer. The lifer and the pod person are similar, but fundamentally different. The lifer has retained his sense of nationalism and longs to return to his home country; the pod person has lost these characteristics.

Simply put, if you can easily tell what country a foreigner is from by just listening to what that person says (as in the words and phrases used, not the accent), than he or she is probably just a lifer. The lifer has other distinguishing qualities that I will get to in later posts.

The pod person MUST exhibit all of the following characteristics:

• Unable to make eye contact with fellow foreigners for more than a few seconds at a time
• Pushing a stroller (Oops! That's probably just a lifer, sorry)
• Has developed an ability to somehow sense foreigners in his midst AND........
• Stays clear of all foreigners when at all possible
• Speaks of how Japan is better at just about everything.....thus,
• Believes that the Japanese produce s@#t that doesn't stink
• Exhibits no sure signs of what country he is actually from (aside from an accent)
• Is bummed out that he can't vote in Japanese elections
• Uses a Japanese style lunch box wrapped in bento bag or furo-shiki at work without feeling odd or uncomfortable
• Likes to clap while laughing
• Has no desire to move back to his or her home country
• Is unable to laugh comfortably at "Western humor" - mainly sarcasm
• Truly looks forward to and truly enjoys going to the karaoke box...AND...
• Has an arsenal of Japanese songs to sing at karaoke AND...
• Pod person gets upset that there are no Japanese songs at karaoke back in his home country.

Remember, displaying one or more of the above qualities may mean that someone has just been in Japan for too long or takes his time in Japan a bit too seriously. Only the pod person displays all qualities.

Pod person is rarely spotted by most foreigners. However, the pod creatures are best spotted at Japanese cultural events such as a sumo tournament or New Year's Day temple visit. The reason why you can spot pod person at these events so easily is because pod person thinks he belongs there. He believes that without his attendance at such Japanese cultural gatherings, the event itself would somehow be incomplete. 

Foreigners see Japanese events as a good chance to get a first hand view of Japanese culture; pod person thinks he is part of the culture you are there to experience. This is when they are easiest to spot. This is when pod person is at his weakest and lets his guard down. You'll know the pod person when you finally see him. It will be like one of those old 3-D posters that you had to squint at and go kind of cross-eyed to see clearly. Pod person will just pop out at you suddenly.

Do you have a question about Japan or a topic that you are interested in that you haven't found on this blog? If so, please tell me about it in a comment. I will get a post up about it as soon as possible. Thanks for reading!!

Seniority - The Senpai and the Kouhai

Seniority in Japan

The Senpai/Kouhai Relationship (Senior/Junior)

For more posts similar to this one, see General Working Conditions, Life in Japan

One of the main differences of the Japanese system compared to the West is the very strict adherence to a seniority based system, Senpai/Kouhai (Senior/Junior). There’s no real way for foreigners to understand the Japanese Senpai/Kouhai culture unless they actually live it and see it in action. It starts from the very earliest of ages in the primary schools, continues throughout one's school career, business career and life in general. I'd swear that this system continues in the Shinto afterlife.

Essentially, the Kouhai is forever and ever Kouhai to the Senpai. In the USA, the words we use to describe a Kouhai are plebe, probie, rookie, rook, newb, greenhorn, etc. However, in Japan the relationship is never adversarial. I've never personally seen any cases of hazing or any other types of mental or physical torment (ijime) like there is in other countries, but I’m sure that some form of it exists in Japan.

In the schools, the Kouhai is essentially relegated to the most mundane and worthless duties. For example, in a sport or club (let's use basketball for this example) the kouhai stand around on the outside of the court and chase the balls when they go out of bounds. That's it. They don't usually get actually play with the upper-classmates for quite some time into the school year. Three months or so is a usual time frame. Before they get to practice with the big girls and boys, the kouhai set up all the gear and basically play the role of equipment manager/trainer/water boy while the rest of the team does drills and plays scrimmages. They are the senpai's bi@ches. I remember watching the kouhai in the ping-pong club. For what seemed like months, they all just stood around and basically played shadow ping-pong on edges of the gym ~~ without ever getting to practice on a table!!  Yep, the ping-pong club hogs up precious gym-time everyone.

Here is a link to another good explanation.....

In the Western business culture, we have what I would call a system loosely based on seniority. However, seniority seems to be more of a tiebreaker for internal advancement and promotion in the West. For example, if two or more people are closely qualified for the same position, than the senior employee will usually get the job. In Japan, there seems to be a much larger and disproportionate amount of importance placed on seniority. In other words, seniority will override a much larger discrepancy in skills, qualifications  and overall competence.

Except for being able to witness the origins of the senpai/kouhai culture in Japanese life, this has no real impact to any foreigner in Japan. The Japanese know that foreigners don't understand customs and traditions such as the Senpai/Kouhai relationship. It’s just one of the more interesting aspects that's good to keep in mind whilst milling around the archipelago nation.

Do you have a question about Japan or a topic that you are interested in that you haven't found on this blog? If so, please tell me about it in a comment. I will get a post up about it as soon as possible. Thanks for reading!!

The Lifer

The Lifer

"I'll probably die here; I'm cool with that"  lifer

*For more posts similar to this one, see The People in Japan

Here's the thing about lifers: they have resigned themselves to the fact that they are most likely never leaving Japan.

This is neither good nor bad. It's a simple fact that has been fully accepted and allows 'the lifer' to enjoy themselves to the utmost in Japan.

Lifers are great people to get to know, but finding them and befriending one is a fantastic challenge.

Much like the pod person, the lifer is difficult to spot. However, this is just because the lifer has long abandoned hanging out in places where short-timers and FOBs do. Lifers completely live and work in Japan and run in their own circles.

The lifer will avoid fellow foreigners like the plague because conversations with newbs and tourists have become so monotonous.

Here are the best ways to spot a lifer:

• Is the only middle-aged foreigner in a large group of Japanese people.
• Pushing a double stroller with a forlorn look
• Has been teaching at a Japanese university for more than 10 years
• Walks right by you without even a look or a nod
• Lives in a house, with a mortgage
• You notice a foreigner and think: 'Has that person been here the whole time'
• Japanese people walk up to them to ask directions

The lifer appears to wear camouflage. If you spend any amount of time in Japan, the chances are that you will often come into contact with them and not even know it. They are so comfortable being in Japan that they blend right into the scenery, even to the Japanese.

Don't confuse the lifer with pod person. The lifers usually have a great sense of humour about their situation.

Do you have a question about Japan or a topic that you are interested in that you haven't found on this blog? If so, please tell me about it in a comment. I will get a post up about it as soon as possible. Thanks for reading!!

Divvying up Gym Time

10 Million Clubs, One Gym

"How many freakin athletic clubs ARE THERE?"  newbie teacher

*For more posts similar to this one, see School Culture

This is a short informational post.

The first thing you need to know about the club activities in Japan is that they are year-round!

This creates a lot of scheduling problems for practice time. For the most part, each athletic club meets almost everyday after school and sometimes even before school (yes, in the morning).

Here are the main clubs that need to share gym time: boys and girls basketball, boys and girls volleyball, kendo, boys and girls table tennis (ping-pong), boys and girls badminton and judo. Not every school has every sport, but we're still talking about 8 or more clubs needing the gym year-round.

So, all of the coaches meet once a week or so to settle the gym schedule. This takes place at a meeting that takes, at the more maniacal schools, up to an hour a more.

Most of the time the gym will be split in half by an enormous net hanging from the ceiling, with teams practicing on both sides.

The only problem with this set-up is the damn ping-pong team! The little balls keep going through the net and getting stepped on by the team on the other side!

Do you have a question about Japan or a topic that you are interested in that you haven't found on this blog? If so, please tell me about it in a comment. I will get a post up about it as soon as possible. Thanks for reading!!

Three Finger Jack

Three Fingers
The Yak Guy

"I own this place"  three finger Jack

*For more posts similar to this one, see The People in Japan

This is simply a post about how to spot someone involved with the Yakuza:

• He routinely roams the streets in a Rolls Royce at negative speed through the back streets of Shinsaibashi.
• He stores and lines up his Ferraris on the first floor of an unsecured parking garage so that anyone can walk by them at anytime of the day.
• Drives a car with all fours or eights on the license plate -- or just the number one.
• He says that he works in construction, yet works out of his home and doesn't own a drawing table or anything even related to construction.
• Same guy as above, yet is always in the bar until the sun comes up.....all week.
• He parks his Buggati in front of run down apartment building in a crappy part of some Japanese city.
• He owns an expensive and exclusive nightclub in a not so nice part of the city.
• He has a missing finger or two....or three................or four.
• Has conspicuous tattoos, especially on the hands, forearms and/or neck.
• He is well dressed (mafia style) and throwing punches at someone in the middle of the street.

Note on tattoos: Tattoos and Yakuza are so closely associated in the Japanese collective consciousness that you still cannot patron most health clubs (gyms), sentou (銭湯 - public baths) and pools if you have a visible (at any time, e.g. while changing in the locker room) tattoo.

Yep, I've met many Yaks during my time living in Japan. Of course, I lived in East Shinsaibashi and Nishinari (the most notoriously nasty Japanese neighborhood) for a total of close to 5 years, so I have seen these guys lurking around.... a lot! Yes, they do exist and in a far greater number, and with far more local influence than any Japanese person would ever want to admit.

Tsutenkaku

Wide open narcotic/opium trade on the streets near Tsutenkaku.
Gambling houses, prostitution, pay-offs, bribes.....
All this stuff is protected by the local Yaks.

Newsflash: The Yakuza were having a rough time recruiting due to the economy!!??! Fake Fingers??!!??

The rule of thumb here is to try to stay away from any close dealings with Japanese dudes that have any number of  fingers cut off of their hands.....or maybe you like that sort of thing.....

The Yak guy is without question the most dangerous native species found in the Japanese outback. Any sighting or close contact should be handled with extreme prudence.

By the way, Three Finger Jack is an actual nickname given (by my old roomie and me) to an actual Yak Guy in Osaka.

Do you have a question about Japan or a topic that you are interested in that you haven't found on this blog? Got any Yak stories that aren't too long? If so, please tell me about it in a comment. I will get a post up about it as soon as possible. Thanks for reading!!

Fellow Foreigners - The Hostesses

The Russian Hostess

The Celebrities

"Whoa! Who was that?"  a tourist or FOB

*For more posts similar to this one, see The People in Japan

I've been neglecting the Fellow Foreigners for quite some time, so without further adieu, let me introduce a very special group.........the Russian Hostesses.

Here's the deal. Gorgeous Russian women come to Japan to work as hostesses. They get paid for various services at Japanese hostess clubs. They can get paid particularly well for performing just their actual job duties .......................however...

They are tall, voluptuous and pack a serious attitude.

RH: "Ooh...my mah-thah is sick back in Russia....she's poor.... she needs money....oohhh.... I'm so sad...."

And the loaded Japanese 'salaryman customers' fork over tons of cash to them. It's a simple formula as old as time itself. The only difference about how this age-old social mechanism manifests itself in Japan is that its SO F*&KING OBVIOUS!!!! Well, maybe that's the point.

The easiest way to spot a Russian Hostess (aside from going to a hostess club) is to look for a tall and inappropriately glamorously dressed woman walking directly next to a 5 foot tall 50+ year old Japanese guy in a suit -- this is a 99.9% positive sighting. The only way to get the confirmation level to 100% is to try to say hi to her directly after the sighting. If you receive a frighteningly evil look of death, then she's a Russian hostess. When in the wild, there is no other fellow foreigner more terrifying than the Russian hostess......

Do you have a question about Japan or a topic that you are interested in that you haven't found on this blog? If so, please tell me about it in a comment. I will get a post up about it as soon as possible. Thanks for reading!!

Getting Hired - The Blanket Email

An Act of Desperation

"Are you alive? Do you have a valid visa? You're hired."  
various hiring managers

*For more posts similar to this one, see General Working Conditions

This is an addendum to my previous post A Dozen Englishes Please. 

OK, what we have here is a very simple situation. Like I wrote in A Dozen Englishes Please, the Boards of Education accept bids from companies providing English teachers to their schools approximately 2 to 3 weeks before school starts. The problem with this formula is that NO company can possibly have enough teachers hired at the time the bids are accepted. The companies simply never know exactly how many teachers they will need, so it's impossible for them to prepare properly. 

So, what the companies are forced to do is very simple. First, they immediately scour their databases looking for anyone who they have prescreened in the past and send out a blanket email.

Now, I've included a real live email that I received a few months ago in this post to help explain:

Dear all,

My name is (Japanese person) from (X company) and
we were in contact before.
We are currently looking for qualified native English instructors.

The positions that are opening now are both a full time and
as well as a part time.

If any of you are interested, please do let me know!

Thank you.

Best regards,
(Japanese person)
(X company)

The next step for the company is to wait for zombie teachers to take the bait and reply. After that, the company will get back to the zombie teachers alarmingly quickly and try to set up a Skype interview.

Recently, the schools have been moving to Skype "interviews" because they can run through them faster and they can save money on transportation costs (good thing about Japan is that the company always pays for your transportation costs, or at least most of them).

The jist of the "interview" is simply to confirm that zombie teachers are alive, willing and able to work for whatever crappy contract they have available. If you can show up, you are hired. Since only zombie teachers (who are currently unemployed and just as desperate to find a gig as the company is to fill them) answer the email in the first place, the company will hire on the spot.

The symbiosis is complete -- かんぺきです！

In case you are wondering.....Yes, I've been .... zombie teacher. It's a very common way to get an English teaching job in Japan these days. And when that contract is up, the cycle starts all over again.

Another thing the companies do to fill the open positions has to do with ...... The Non-Native Speaker. I'll save that for another day.

As always, if you have anything to add, let me know!

Do you have a question about Japan or a topic that you are interested in that you haven't found on this blog? If so, please tell me about it in a comment. I will get a post up about it as soon as possible. Thanks for reading!!

Things Japanese Don't Do Well

This Just Will Not Do

"What the hell!?!?"  tired gaijin

"That's ham?!? OK...If you say so....." gaijin-san

*For more posts similar to this one, see Life in Japan

Again, I'm not talking about the obvious stuff here....... everyone knows that the Japanese tell jokes worse than the Germans....oh, you didn't? Hm....Well, the Japanese can tell a funny story, but that's a different matter altogether. Here is a short list of things that the Japanese surprisingly stink at doing well.......Big Swing and a Miss!!

• Sandwiches of any kind - unless you like a lump of mystery meat between two slices of mystery      bread.
• Jokes - My theory is that Japanese grammar doesn't lead a joke well....funny stories yes, jokes no.
• BBQ - Why are there more vegetables on the grill than meat? Barbecued corn? OK....yum, I guess.
• TV shows/dramas - I don't even know where to begin. It's a bad sign when the almost all of the most popular dramas on TV come from other countries. Imagine a really bad soap opera... a Japanese TV drama smells a lot like that.
• Pro Sports - except, of course, baseball!! and even that gets a little weird once you get over the newness of the experience.
• Sports Bar/Pub - Find a really cool place to watch the big game.... good luck. 
• Brew House - A brewpub in Japan is in name only.
• Beer - Seriously, if you think the beer is good..... well, I'll stop right now.
• Coffee - If it's not imported, it's not good.  Brew it well, yes.... roast it, no.
• International Sporting Events ( The Homer Theorem) - If Japan isn't playing, attendance and TV coverage is nill.
• Socks (Sox) - Try buying a decent pair of sox in Japan.... I dare you.
• Ovens - Try baking a cake in Japan..... I dare you.
• Bagels - unless you call soft round bread a bagel, of course.
• Sarcasm - AH!!! American Joke....
• Lingerie / Bra --- What's with all this frilly s%$t
• Condoms -- This is the last product on earth that you want to have to experiment with hoping to find one that won't tear on you.......

As always, if you have anything to add to this page, write a comment or send me an email.

Do you have a question about Japan or a topic that you are interested in that you haven't found on this blog? If so, please tell me about it in a comment. I will get a post up about it as soon as possible. Thanks for reading!!

Things Japan Does Extremely Well

Things You Can't Get at Home

"Holy Sh$t dude! This is kinda awesome!"  surprised gaijin

*For more posts similar to this one, see Life in Japan

Everyone has heard of the bullet train. This is an obvious thing that Japan does extremely well.

But what about the not so obvious things that Japan does surprisingly well? The Japanese absolutely NAIL some things that you probably never crossed your mind....

Here they are, in no particular order:

Food

• Cream Puffs (I love it when you call me beard pa-pa)
• Waffles/Hot Cake (Manekin)
• Dessert Crepes (any filling you desire)
• Deep Fried Food - Chicken, Kushi-katsu
• Hot as Hell Curry (Japanese style)
• Carbonara Sauce (bacon....yummmmm)
• Corn Dogs (American Dog to you sir)
• Canned Coffee (Boss? Did someone say Tommy Lee Jones?)

Non-Food

• Mega Book and Electronics Stores
• Massage Chairs
• Saunas
• Health Club / Gym (Doubters out there beware...I dare you to find cleaner gyms anywhere)
• Revisionist History (read a history book)
• Service (Obvious? Perhaps, but.......)
• Taxi Cabs
• All night drinking
• A picnic (see Hanami)
• Over-reacting to the delicious first bite of a meal or first amazing sip of a beer

Help me out if you can think of anything else.........

Do you have a question about Japan or a topic that you are interested in that you haven't found on this blog? If so, please tell me about it in a comment. I will get a post up about it as soon as possible. Thanks for reading!!